My Sister got married tonight. It was a beautiful ceremony, and served as a fantastic reminder of how empty my life is. I have a girl friend (for the first time in over a year), but I don't feel like it is anything serious. Besides, she is Russian, and perpetually reminds me that she
must drink profusely and smoke whenever her Russian friends are around, because this is what Russians do when they get together. Her friends are around much too frequently. I didn't want to go out with them tonight, so we said our good-byes and I came home to relax and reflect on the day. I hate this feeling I have right now. This lonely feeling. This feeling that no matter where I look in the world, that I cannot find someone who is right for me. Maryna is a good woman, overall. She is kind, elegant, and beautiful, but those good qualities are never enough to blind me to the drinking and the smoking. I think she doesn't want to change, and I think to myself: "who am I to ask her to change?" I knew she was like this when I started seeing her. Ultimately, I don't want the mother of my children to drink and smoke. I would like a woman who has taken care of her body, and will continue to do so -- even as I have taken care of my body. But still, it is painful to be alone. I have been alone too often in my 24 years of life, I find I can no longer bare the burden of this pain. So I sit here reflecting on life and relationships alone, while my girlfriend spends the night getting drunk with her friends.
Suddenly my bout of insomnia returns.
