At the end of today (the second day of training), there was a hacking ladder. There were ten levels, and the first one to the top won a prize. I made it to the second wrung. I am not cut out for hacking, I guess. I don't think fast enough. It isn't that I'm not smart or can't comprehend what they are doing, I just approach things too differently. I am a triangle in a round-peg world. Today, I actually thought I might try to pursue another field altogether since I can't seem to get things together for grad school either. I contemplated the alternatives. It is a short list.
Ultimately, I feel that my struggles are environmentally based. I can't concentrate on one thing long enough to see it through -- my greatest weakness. I simply get frustrated, or board, or distracted. I can't function within the realm of the world I live in. I used to be able to handle things. The last time I felt I had the touch was in high school. It is like my brain chemistry changed and left me inept like a stroke victim. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to rest my mind and refocus my life so that I can be successful at something - anything.
I'm just tired of being mediocre, but I can't ever get past it. I have said it before, and I will say it again here: I am afraid to succeed. I have never been able to handle pressure, and by tracing my self history backwards through time, I realize that I have been this way since I was born. I believe it is a permanent character flaw; what does one do with one's self when you discover a flaw so deeply ingrained in your genes? I have pondered this question and elected to work around it. I need to put myself into a situation where I don't feel pressured. Where I feel that I have latitude to be myself, to express myself, to live life like myself. I may take some doing to find this environment. I may even have to create it myself. I.E. Work for myself -- this presents its own caveats.
