I had an interesting conversation with Greg and Colleen at lunch today. We were talking about relationships. Greg was talking about his ex-wife and how he never wanted to get married, and everything that was wrong with their relationship and how that is different with Colleen. Colleen and Greg basically asked me if me and Maryna were getting serious - but without phrasing it that way, because if they had I would have clammed up. I told them how I felt about the situation.
Maryna is the loveliest girl I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and I love her more deeply than I have ever loved before. She makes me laugh - she needs to know that I'm not laughing at her when I laugh, I just find her extremely delightful and humorous. Still our relationship is not without its flaws. My mind tends to wander - I have to be constantly entertained, not by the likes of TV or other normal things, but with intellectual stimulation. This makes simple conversation a struggle for me at times, and I know it takes a toll on Maryna, so she is really a dear for putting up with me for so long. I think that Maryna feels intellectually inadequate for me sometimes, but this is not the case. She is incredibly smart. Not in a geek sort of way (like me: computers, math, and science), but if you go to an art museum with her, I promise you, there will be artist there that she knows: where they were from, what period they worked in, where they worked, about their lives; this is extremely cool and I have mentioned this in the past. Still, I am concerned about our openness as a couple. It has been on my mind for sometime now. I don't think that we could be successful as a couple unless we make some changes in our communication. Last Monday, Maryna had to have her Visa renewed - this is an extremely trying time for all foreigners, and she was really nervous and upset about it but didn't want to tell me. Sure, in passing she mentioned that she was worried about it, but she didn't convey the magnitude of her emotion to me. Instead she went to her friend Anya and went out drinking, like she had done all last summer when she had Visa trouble. I don't know if it is Russian thing or not, or if she thinks that I wouldn't understand (that's not to say, but isn't the issue), but I don't need her to be this rock-solid woman who isn't affected by anything. I want her to be real. To tell me how she feels. Not how her friends tell her to feel, not what she expects me to like, and not to put on a strong face for me when inside she is frightened and scared. What good am I too her if she is afraid to confide in me. Confidence, this is what couples must have in each other to succeed. I have confidence in her, I only hope that she has confidence in me. I'm not with out my flaws, I don't want anyone to think I'm perfect, I am far from it. Greg spoke wisely at lunch "I concerned that you can't tell each other everything." Maybe it will develop with time, I feel like we could tell each other everything. I intend to talk to her about this before I post this journal entry. It just isn't something that we have gotten comfortable with. Comfort is another thing that couples need to have to be successful. Without a certain level of comfort there can be no happiness. That isn't to say get so comfortable that nothing ever changes. Life is change, when you have ceased changing, you have ceased living. Comfort in the way of change - change together for the better.
I talked to Maryna for a while tonight. When she says "I love you", I feel warmth inside. I wished she would say it more often.
