The longer I stay in my pseudo-depressed state the more I wonder about it.
I have it nailed down now: I don't have any peers here (or elsewhere) since Minor and I don't communicate anymore. I feel utterly alone in the world with regards to my interests and personality and aspirations. I surf IRC channels looking for peers, but (so far) there are none to be found. I go to 2600 meetings once in a while, and while there certainly interesting people there, there are no peers. I look around campus literally disappointed with what I see; most people interested in computers there are only in it for the money (which they will likely never see). There are nights I stay up surfing around the web just looking for something interesting, or rather someone interesting, but usually their websites are more interesting than they are - and even that is a rare case as most people's websites suck. I mean it, not just the layout, but the layout and the content.... I'm not saying mine is better or anything, but looking around I can easily picture myself in the top 10th percentile, perhaps even the top 5th percentile... and I find this utterly depressing. I always believed that there was a higher standard out there, something higher to aspire to. More and more lately I have doubted this. It is probably my mood, and it will pass. In any case, I'm looking for a change on the horizon.
I want to be a part of something larger than myself. I want to do something utterly exciting to me, something challenging, rewarding, and cutting edge. I want to be in the middle of it. I want to get on a rocket and light the fuse. I need peers to fuel me. I need peers to inspire me. I need peers to lean on, and peers to laugh with. I need peers to strive beside. I need peers. They have to exist. I had them before, and surely there is more than one or two people in the world like me.
My home office desk is strangely alluring today. I'm sitting at it for the first time in a month or more.
Desparate for some peers...
